Grieving and Ways to Comfort Your Heart
Hi there, friends.
There’s been some thoughts weighing on my heart for a while about GRIEF. This is not an easy topic to write about in general. It is not an easy topic to personally share, either. However, it has been a topic on my list of things to share because I have been through a inordinate number of losses in my life that created life lessons about growth, strength, resilience, and accepting loss.
In June, I learned of a dear friend succumbing to the darkness of her own grief and as I sobbed I kept thinking that I owe this post to HER. She told me over and over that I should be a writer and encouraged me to share my words as well as my story. She told me over and over that she didn’t understand how I managed to get through what I’ve been through. I am grief stricken that my words of encouragement were not enough to keep her sustained through her trials. She was a beautiful soul and a bright spot in my day for the brief four months that I was blessed to be friends with her. I started writing this post for Laura, and perhaps one day I will begin writing a book (again).
When I started this post in the beginning of July I just couldn’t bring myself to finish it at that time and then a lot more LIFE has happened. Since I first began drafting this post, my Mammaw and another dear friend of mine have also passed on to their Heavenly homes.
So here I am revisiting the draft about grieving that I started months ago, thinking a lot about them as well as the others that have gone before them. I am reflecting a lot about Jesus, our promise of Heaven and His everlasting love in eternity. More on my thoughts below.
GRIEF
Grief is a heavy thing. It comes upon each of us at various times in life and in various waves of depth. No one will get through life without experiencing loss at some point, to some degree…unless you are some form of sociopath incapable of feeling emotions perhaps (I say that jokingly).
Loss begins in the most minute and inconsequential ways when we’re babies and toddlers - the simplistic experiences of a toy being taken away or being told no to something we want. It seems silly to us now, but at that age it is quite upsetting. As life proceeds we experience loss of friendships, loss of family members, loss of relationships, loss of pets, and loss of careers. The list is endless. But, regardless of the many ways we may experience this nor the quantity of times that we may experience this, each loss is different and requires a different journey through grief.
I don’t like grief. I’ll just say it. I’m sure no one does, but I especially dislike it. I keep waiting for the tides to turn and the heaviness in my heart to lift, and it seems that as soon as it starts to there’s something new and I have to say I’ve had enough. I’ve had more than my fair share and while I realize that’s a part of life, I also realize it’s been an inordinate amount. I can only believe that there’s a purpose for it. That perhaps I am meant to help others because of it. Only God knows.
Grief shatters your heart into a million little pieces and it can feel so utterly suffocating it can be difficult to catch your breath. Whether you can anticipate it or not doesn’t seem to matter nor make it any easier as I have learned. Those shattered little pieces get strewn about in the wind and waft about as they float towards (or careen into) the floor like a second inevitable explosion. There’s no set time for the proverbial dust to settle.
Add in betrayal(s) and goodness does the heart break differently.
Add in death and goodness gracious the heart feels like it will NEVER fully heal. How can it? The person is gone forever.
Grief is a dreaded inevitability. It teaches us to appreciate the now, to cherish the past, and to live with any regrets over what can never be changed. We cannot get the time back, get the relationships back, nor bring the people back.
When we lose a loved one it can feel all consuming over your heart, mind, and body. Loss can cause anger, denial, and (survivor’s) guilt because it is NOT fair that the loved one passed away and yet you have to* continue life as if everything is OK when yet it will NEVER be the same again. How can you find the strength to get out of bed each day? How can you look someone in the eye and say with honesty “I’m doing OK” when asked? How can you find joy in the day to day life while missing a person with every ounce of your being? None of it feels possible.
If you’ve experienced grief then you know what it’s like to feel like you’re drowning in sorrow. If you’ve experienced loss then you know what it’s like to feel like it’s unfathomable to continue on with your life. If you’ve experienced heart break then you know what it’s like to believe that life will never bring joy again.
But friends, it will. Trust me. It will. It may take time, but joy will return.
I remember one time standing in front of the mirror once many many moons ago, looking at myself and quite literally saying “You have to do this Rebecca. You have to get through the day. Life keeps going no matter what. Everyone else is living their life. It’s not fair that life keeps going but it does and you have no choice.”
It’s really not fair to be feeling the epitome of sadness and being forced to move through each day like nothing is wrong. But, we also do not have the luxury of completely hiding away from responsibilities.
So, all that to be said…I am listing out (in no particular order) some things that have helped my heart with grieving. I am not a professionally trained anything so these are simply personal suggestions.
Write it out. Writing is an excellent way to get the thoughts, words, and emotions out of your body. It is a private resource that no one else has to read unless you want someone to. You can write conversationally as if speaking to the person who passed away or the person who hurt you. You can write poems. You can write on paper or in email or even in the notes on your phone. I have done ALL of the above and it helps my heart. Sometimes I save it to re-read later or to add to it. Sometimes I delete it or throw it away. I have even written on paper napkins just to express myself.
Cry it out. This seems like an utterly foolish and obvious thing to suggest, but I personally have struggled with suppressing my emotions to “fake it ‘til I make it” just to get through life and that was to my own detriment. I realize there is a time and a place that may be more appropriate but if you feel the emotions arising in a public setting just excuse yourself to the restroom. It is better to let it out. Grief is an odd beast that can rear its ugly head at the most inconvenient times.
Read about loss. Reading books, quotes, poems, or even Pinterest pins and Instagram posts about grief have helped me feel related to. Knowing others have experienced similar thoughts and sorrow can be extremely helpful to feel like you’re not alone.
Read about Heaven. THIS y’all. This has been extremely helpful to me after my dad lost his battle with cancer. I had already lost my Granny, my Aunt Veila, my ex-husband, and my stepmom of 24 years, Marie. I was already beginning to shift my mind to seek out sermons about Heaven, but life kept LIFING me. When my dad passed I felt this desperate urgency to seek out more knowledge about Heaven. A dear friend sent me a local pastor’s service and that pastor, Don Piper, had been declared deceased for 90 minutes. I started listening to his weekly sermons about it because I couldn’t brave going in public. I then read his two books about Heaven (90 Minutes in Heaven and People I Met at the Gates of Heaven) and subsequently read Imagine Heaven by John Burke. Each book helped me in my grieving journey, but Imagine Heaven truly filled me with understanding, comfort, and hope for our loved ones and for OUR next life. You can read my full review of Imagine Heaven here. You can also read my full review of 90 Minutes in heaven here.
Listen. Listen to sad music to evoke the emotions to come out. Listen to happy music to make you smile or dance and shift the mind to happier things. Listen to podcasts about grief. Listen to sermons about Heaven or about grief.
Take a walk. Exercise is obviously good for the body, but it also releases endorphins which helps to lighten your mood. If you can exercise outside then you get the added benefits of nature and vitamin D from the sun. If you can listen to the sounds of nature that can help your mind zone out and off of the sorrow. If you listen to music it can help boost your energy. If you exercise indoors, I am a huge encourager of reading on the treadmill and escaping the mind in stories (I lean towards happy rom-com type of books). You can also utilize Pinterest while walking on a treadmill to zone out OR to pin things about grief. Either way, it’s added benefit.
Call a friend or family member. Everyone grieves differently and I recognize that that may make you want to disconnect from others and especially from others who share in the loss (guilty of this). But, it can be helpful to share your sorrow with someone who does understand your loss. You will feel heard, validated, related to, and relief from expressing the emotions and thoughts.
Schedule a therapist. Y’all. I am grateful for 2020 making virtual therapy so prevalent now. I prefer in person sessions, but the virtual option allows more opportunity for you to find a time that works for you. A licensed professional is there to listen to anything and everything you say without judgment. It is the safest place to let it all out - the good, the bad, and the ugly. They are also trained to help you work through the difficult moments that may overwhelm you. I personally and unfortunately get panic attacks when I try to discuss really difficult emotions / events like the loss of my dad, learning about Laura’s death, and other trauma(s) I have had. My therapist knows I am a less than hot mess and therefore has methods to try to help me initiate these conversations, knows my triggers and safe words to ground me back, and knows when to pivot the conversation. It is so critically important to have a safe space to share yourself. I wish I had started therapy years before I did. Even the healthiest of people can benefit from therapy.
Schedule self care. Our self care can go right out the window when we’re grieving and we forget to take care of ourselves. Some things that you can do that would help your body and mind relax are bubble baths (hot soaks in the tub or hot tub), massages, acupuncture, meditation, walks, yoga, mani/pedis, lunch or dinner with a friend that requires you to get dressed up. Pretty much anything that you feel is a pampered treat. It’s important to take time for yourself.
Pursue the things that make you smile. I have had to disconnect from life many times and while disassociation isn’t always viewed positively, it can be helpful. I had to stop listening to music that makes me cry and put on music that makes me dance. I seek out funny memes and videos on social media that make me laugh. I avoid sad movies or heavy shows. I seek out anything dog / cat related because I will inevitably smile or chuckle. A video of a baby laughing?? How can you not laugh along with the baby? Find things that brighten your spirit when you need to shift away from the heaviness of heartbreak.
I want to reiterate that I am not a trained or licensed anything. Please seek professional help if you feel your heartache or depression is severe. You are important to this world and it is OK to put yourself first during a heavy time. You are not alone, either. There are many people who care about you and about your loss. Some people just don’t know how to help or what to say, so they don’t do or say anything…it’s not that they don’t care. I want to encourage you to reach out to someone who loves you and let them know you’re hurting. You can always reach out to me as well. I am here.
Do you have any suggestions to add that have helped you grieve? Comment below.
Hugs to you all,
XOXO
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