Saying Goodbye
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Today is a day I couldn’t have dreamed of experiencing. Today is the day I will say goodbye to someone I once loved and shared a life with. I have started and stopped, started and stopped, started and stopped this post many times in the past 11 days and I still don’t know where to end it. My head is spinning. My heart is spinning. There are life events and emotions you just cannot prepare for. We are not taught this in school nor are there any fool-proof ways to navigate these experiences.
Whether expected or unexpected, losing someone is no easy emotional process. But, there’s no right or wrong. Grief is a horrible and natural thing, yet there is no decisive path to help us proceed through it.
I firmly believe that if you ever truly loved someone that that love never really goes away. Sure the type of love ebbs and flows as relationships change or come to an end, but you never stop caring about the person and wanting the best for them.
Our time together ended after seven+ years but for various reasons we remained in contact. I’ve always prayed for him and prayed that life would provide him with every blessing and every dream he ever desired. He deserved so much out of this life and I believed he would find his way to those dreams. I truly did.
Eight years have passed since we parted ways, but I never stopped praying for him and every time we connected I was genuinely pleased by his progress or disappointed for him/by his setbacks. He was trapped within his struggles but I just knew he would overcome it. I believed it. He had the world at his fingertips.
It’s so shocking to lose someone unexpectedly and who is younger in life (than I am, by a couple of years). I’ve lost loved ones but they’ve always been older. Reconciling this reality has been a struggle, to say the least. This is the first heavy dose of reality and sadness in losing a person close to me that’s around my age and that I shared such an intimate (7+ years) story with. It feels so unfair and scary and deeply painful. But, I know Heaven is real and I know it is more beautiful than we can ever imagine.
I’ve spent the past 11 days wondering…deep and dark questions and full faith in Christ questions, as well as reaffirming moments from God that Heaven is real. I just can’t yet quiet the mind.
I know in time it will come. Losing someone is never easy. Never. Nor the impact you know that it leaves on the families.
I want to say that I need a day with God to figure this all out, but I know that means I need to pick up my Bible and find the answers and the answer most certainly is to pray and to rejoice that my loved one is in Heaven - a place better than we could ever fathom. Amen, Amen, Amen.
***
To the one who’s left us:
You left this earthly world almost two weeks ago, but today we officially say goodbye. I am not prepared for this and I cannot imagine anyone would be in these situations. It won’t be easy. These next two days will be a nightmare.
I just cannot believe this is real.
So, today. Today we say goodbye.
There’s so much I want to say and so much on my heart. I know you know it all now as I can talk to you in Heaven. We shared a story that helped form who we became. We shared a story that shaped our lives. We shared a story that will always be ours to share. The good, the great, the bad, the ugly. We were young and oh-so foolish a lot of the time, but I always knew at your core you were a great man destined for great things. You had dreams, desires, and ambitions far beyond your age coupled with your brilliant mind, career success, and social maturity.
I remember the day we met (almost to the hour) and I remember the day we parted ways (almost to the hour), and I remember every day in between (fortunately and unfortunately in great detail). We shared a life that we promised forever to. I remember who you were and who you were meant to be. I remember the dreams you had and the light in your eyes when we talked about it. I remember your laugh and your dimples, I remember your exquisite eyes and smile, I remember your wisdom and knowledge, I remember your passion for family and life. I will remember it all and I cannot believe that I am typing these words now.
We are meant for so much more than this life. Perhaps what we’re meant for is truly where you are in Heaven. That is what we’re meant for. And every moment here we’re just preparing for that - what we’re truly meant for.
I cannot believe this day is here and it feels like a bad dream. I keep talking to you and saying your name in my head (and sometimes out loud) over and over and over and why, why why? Why did this happen? WHY did this happen and WHY did you make these decisions? I know it’s something I may never fully understand, but I do know that it is absolutely something I do not currently understand. Addiction is real and it is tough (to say the very least). I have so many things I hope and want to say to you when I see you again in Heaven. I have so much **.
I know our time here on this earth is fleeting and I know there are grander things on the other side when we meet our Heavenly Father. It doesn’t take away the pain we are feeling in your loss and it doesn’t take away the tears. But, I know we will see you again. I find comfort knowing you are there in Heaven. I wish things were different on this side of eternity but I know you have made it to the real eternity. You have left a major loss in the lives of the loved ones you left behind, but oh ** oh how I believe you are in a better place. But, this side hurts for your loss. You impacted everyone you met. I assure you that.
May your earthly body rest in peace and may your soul find joy and healing in Heaven. Please give Romeo & Beckett all the hugs and kisses from me.
*Last addition: maybe this isn’t goodbye, but this is I’ll see you later **.
Here’s a post I shared years ago about healing from a loss. I will be re-reading my own advice as well, again.
XOXO
