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Nothing can prepare you to experience heartbreak.

Nothing can prepare you for the intense pain of loss that you will feel.

Nothing can prepare you for how long it can take to heal from hurt, if healing ever truly comes.

Nothing can prepare you.

Each time you experience heartbreak / a loss it is different. It never gets any easier. The pain isn’t felt any less. Each time, you grieve.

Nothing can prepare you for this.

I’ve had my fair share of heartbreaks throughout my life. Some I was able to grieve more “properly”, if there even is such a thing, and some I had to internalize, to my own detriment. Beginning with internalizing my parent’s divorce and pretending I was OK, difficult breakups in relationships, losing children I grew to love when a relationship ends, the nightmare/demise of my first marriage at the age of 29, and losing my two precious dogs in the separation.

I was never prepared for what I experienced. Each time the pain is real and envelopes the body in a suffocating way that you feel like you won’t survive it.

Grieving is a difficult thing. It can take a very long time and if you don’t process it correctly, it will continue to haunt you until you finally sit down with a therapist to dig out the old, buried feelings you tried to pretend you didn’t have so that you could get on with life.

Grieving is a difficult thing. Hidden feelings stuffed so far deep that you deny them to yourself and to others is a ticking time bomb. Just ask me, I’ll tell you. I don’t recommend it, yet I do it anyway.

Grieving is a difficult thing. I was not prepared for it, yet again.

***

BACKSTORY:

I adopted two amazing puppies in 2007 and 2008. I researched names and their meanings and made lists and decided upon Romeo and Beckett. My boys were my babies. They made life a little (ALOT) sweeter, brightened my spirits, made me smile and laugh, and gave me endless cuddles. I dressed them up and took cute photos of them, and those cute photos brightened other people’s days too. Our nickname for Romeo was Booger Bear and for Beckett was Turkey Butt, or just Booger & Turkey.

When my first marriage was falling apart and our home became an unpleasant place to live in, my boys got me through those time. I loved them unconditionally and they loved me. I went to bed each night with one on each side of me.

When my first marriage ended, my ex was adamant that he wouldn’t give up our dogs to me. I asked, I wanted them, I knew they’d be safer with me. I wanted to be a good person to make the intense situation easier and agreed to share custody of my boys. My ex and I would switch off Romeo and Beckett every week, one week on, one week off.

Five months in to the situation, the divorce was final, and wanted to end any contact with my ex so that I could heal and move on with my life. I asked him for my boys, again. He said no. I gave him the option to keep them or give them to me, but we couldn’t go on like that forever. I said to think it over.

I truly did not think he would keep them. He traveled for work and was into a new lifestyle that he wanted (which is why we got divorced), and I knew he wouldn’t have time for them. I was not prepared for what happened. I did not expect what happened. And it took me 6 years to cope with what happened.

Memorial weekend 2012, I had Romeo & Beckett. I scheduled a professional pet photography session and we took the cutest photos together at Discover Green in Houston, TX. My boys had new polo shirts on. When we came back they napped in their crate with the door open while I worked. I snuggled and kissed them like usual and life was good. {Side note - that photographer disappeared and didn’t respond to my calls, texts, nor emails and I never got my professional photos of my boys.)

Then it was my ex’s turn to take them for a week. At the end of his week, I texted him to set up a time to pick up my boys, but instead of a time to meet I got a response that read, “I’m keeping them.”

My heart shattered into a million pieces. I didn’t think he would make that decision. I didn’t know I wouldn’t get to see them again. I didn’t know I would never get to “ease” out of having them, if that is even possible. It was just a blunt cut. I was broken.

I shed more tears over them than I probably did about my marriage ending, because a pet’s love is loyal and unconditional. When I moved apartments I left their portrait on the wall until it was the last thing left to move and I stood there bawling to their portrait telling them I was so sorry I failed them and that was the last place I would have ever been with them.

Nothing can prepare you for heartache.

***

Fast forward through years of dreams about my boys so real I could smell them and feel their fur, dreams so real I would wake up crying, years of not being able to hear the word dog/puppy without getting sad, and the never ending feeling that I should have fought to get them back.

You see, at that time my ex was not particularly kind to me and would do things intentionally to try to hurt me like telling me they were dying at the vet (because he saw online that I was on vacation), sending audio clips of a dog crying to try to make me think it was Beckett, and so on. It got to where I asked him repeatedly not to tell me anything about them unless I asked. I couldn’t handle the hurt. And I wanted the intentional torture to stop.

I knew eventually that my ex-in-law’s inherited both Romeo and Beckett over time and by the time I was informed I knew they had become their dogs. They loved Romeo and Beckett and provided them with a wonderful home. My ex-mother in law was retired as well and I knew they had a better life than I could provide them at that point as I was working 50+ hours a week and traveling a lot. I felt good in my heart that they had a loving, safe home again.

***

Six years later I mentioned to my fiancé (now hubby) that I might* be ready for a dog. We were getting married and I planned to resign and would have time. I said it was something to talk about, but I thought I might* be emotionally ready. Then, I was surprised with a puppy on my wedding day and quickly fell in love with our new pup, Lorenzo. I realized that being a stay at home dog mom was a lot of work and how much I missed out on those sweet times with Romeo and Beckett when they were little and I went to work every day. I felt guilt that I didn’t have those moments with them. I chose to cherish every second of this new experience with Lorenzo - and the same later on when we adopted Luigi & Loretta.

***

Last night, I was catching up with my ex-father in law over some mutual business, he informed me that both Romeo and Beckett have passed away.

My head was spinning, I listened as he told me how and when, and I focused on breathing. When we got off of the phone I was in shock. I just had a VERY REAL dream about them about a week ago. Romeo passed about a year ago and Beckett almost two years ago.

WHAT?

My heart hurts. My grieving it real. And nothing could have prepared me for this.

I haven’t seen my boys in over EIGHT years. I shouldn’t* feel this way. I shouldn’t* feel so sad. I keep telling myself this and saying it to the hubs and to my sister last night who happened to call right when I was breaking down. I shouldn’t* hurt this bad, but I do.

It’s been eight years. And I love them every bit as much now as I did then.

I think the grieving is different. They were in another place, they weren’t deceased. Now, they’re gone in Heaven.

I know I will see them again. I trusted in my heart all a long that they would remember me and remember how much I loved them. I will see them again in Heaven.

But, this is grieving. This hurts. And it is real.

Part of me wants to say ‘I know it’s not the same as losing a human that you love.’ But, is it really any different? Our pets are our loved ones, they are our children, they are unconditionally happy to see us, they are unconditionally loyal.

I am sad today. My eyes are swollen. And I wanted to share this because I felt like Romeo and Beckett deserve to be remembered and because I am human, I’m not just smiling pictures on my social media high-light reel. I have suffered in various ways throughout life, I have overcome various things by the grace and strength of God, and I have things about life that I do not share on social media.

I have always said I am an open book, and I am. Sometimes I share too much, but if you ask me I will tell you my life experiences. Just email me if you do.

Here’s a previous post I shared years ago about healing from a loss. I will be re-reading my own advice as well.

To my beloved Romeo & Beckett, I will love you forever and I will see you again in Heaven.